SWEATER SATURDAY: VOL. 5
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EXPLAINING SOMETHING

EXPLAINING SOMETHING

EXPLAINING SOMETHING

HEY GUYS

I have a confession to make.

Well, not really a confession.  More of an explanation.  Actually, I don’t really know what to call it because my mind is so jumbled right now.  Basically, I just want to say sorry for not posting on here more.  I have all these great ideas in my head for content, I just feel like I never have the time to produce the “perfect blog post” paired with the perfect photo and all that.

They say “stick to your brand” and “be consistent” when creating a blog.  Well, I’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t really have a “brand.”  I don’t have an image that I’m trying to maintain.  My Instagram feed isn’t super cohesive (although I am trying to improve that) and my blog posts are all over the place.

I created this blog to connect with other people.

Be that sharing the latest sales or outfit ideas, being a shoulder to cry on, or a source of reason. The name of my blog is Fondly, Emily because I wanted every post to be read as a handwritten note from a friend.  I guess my “brand” is just being here for you.  Making you comfortable, especially with the clothes you wear 😉 but also with who you are.  I want you to see yourself the way I do and love yourself just the same.

But how can I expect people to come to me for advice when I don’t open up myself?  You see, I have a very hard time opening up to others and often push people away when things get too personal.  I don’t trust many people, so I completely understand why people wouldn’t trust me.

So.  I’m going to open up right now.  I’m going to get very personal, and this is going to make me very uncomfortable and nervous.  But I hope by opening myself up, people will feel that they can come to me for help on ANYTHING and everything.  All I want is to help.  Maybe after reading what I say below, you will feel more comfortable leaning on me with whatever you have on your heart.

Here goes nothing…

On Tuesday of this week I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I see weekly.  We were talking about my anxiety and depression, and about whether or not the Lexapro I am taking daily is helping.

We’ve come to notice that yes, it is helping me in some way.  With my mood, at least.  Since I have been taking Lexapro, I have been less “down,” but still am extremely anxious all the time.  And I don’t really know how else to explain it other than that.

The problem with depression and anxiety is that it really is hard to explain to people who don’t experience it.  Yeah, I am sad a lot and stressed all the time, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s the most frustrating when I have tears sitting in my throat, waiting to come out, and the slightest thing sets me off crying.  Someone (my mother, mostly) will ask, “What happened?”  “What’s wrong?”  “Why do you feel sad right now?”  And the truth is, I don’t have an answer.

And I don’t have an answer to why I feel nervous walking down the street.  Or why I’m ALWAYS sweating (pit stains for days)!  And to the girl who sits behind me in class, I wish even more than you that I could sit still. Why does my stomach start hurting when I have somewhere to be in the next 30 minutes?  Why can’t I eat breakfast without feeling like I’m going to be sick?  Why do I lay in my bed, wide awake, every single night of my life?  Why do social situations make me want to curl up in the corner and not talk to anyone?  Why am I always picking at my nails or rubbing my hands together or cracking my knuckles?

“But you have such a great life, Emily.”  Hell freaking yes I do.  I recognize that and I don’t deny it.  That might be the hardest thing about my mental illness.  My life is beautiful and grand and blessed, so why do I feel like this?

After my appointment, I really wanted to be able to sit down and truly EXPLAIN what goes on in my head.  I want my mom and my doctor and my friends and my brothers and Garrett to understand what I feel every single day. And I decided that I could tell you guys, too.

Explaining Something

There is me

 

I am strong

I am confident

I am colorful

 

I am content

with my future, with my hopes, in my place

I am proud

of who I am, of my relationships, of everything I do

I am passionate

for children, for art, for life

 

I am driven

I have dreams

I am loved

by the important ones

I am respected

by all

 

And then there is someone else

 

She is dark

She is lonely

She is mean

 

She gets in my head

She tells me

you can’t do that

you jumped the gun

you missed that chance

 

Something is wrong.

Fix what is wrong

It will never go away

You must fix it.

 

Nobody likes you

Nobody wants you

Nobody thinks about you

 

You are not important

You will never be good enough

 

Why is she there

What does she want from me

Why doesn’t she leave

 

Why is she me

 

Image Belongs to Fondly, Emily

 

2 Comments
Image Belongs to Fondly, Emily

Lover of fun, food, fashion, friendship, and family. (And coffee.) Just tryin’ to help ya live a happier and fuller life 🙂

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